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Rebecca Jorgensen

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Rituals to Foster Love and Connection

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Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD SEFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

Threats to our relationship security can be introduced in a number of ways: disagreements,
differences and misunderstandings we haven’t learned to navigate yet. We need to buffer those
potential threats by building security through regular contact that provides threat prevention as well
as buffers us for stressful times.

This is where rituals of connection come in. Rituals of connection are moments of predictable and
regularly repeated meaningful contact that nourish, soothe and reassure each other that we matter.

You probably already have some of these important rituals built in to your relationship that cushion
you against stress and sustain your relationship, such as a date night or having a daily check-in.

Relationship science lets us know that connecting rituals are especially powerful at attachment
significant moments. Here are three attachment significant events you can start with to develop some powerful attachment rituals to safeguard and build your relationship. Times of:

Parting,
Reuniting,
Tension.

Some examples of simple rituals are saying hello and goodbye, good morning and goodnight, and
taking a deep breath and your partner’s hand when tension arises.

While it will take some conscious effort, especially to begin with, you can get a lasting love reward
when you create connection rituals around these 3 types of regular relationship events.

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

Here’s how some couples have implemented attachment rituals:

  • At the end of every day, no matter the hour or the mood at the time, William and Amelia’s
    last words to anyone in the world are to each other, “good night, I love you.”
  • Brooklyn and Aiden say “Hello Amour” to start each text message and end the convo with a thumbs up acknowledgement.
  • Jamie and Amos say “hot topic” when a discussion (or imagined discussion) starts to
    become tense for either of them. Then they each take a deep breath together and hold
    hands to work on keeping the tension from increasing.

Take a few minutes together and plan, or review, some attachment rituals for your relationship. You can focus on creating these building and buffering moments during times of tension as well as
partings and reunions such as hello’s and goodbyes, good morning’s and good night’s. Since these are moments that happen regularly in every romantic relationship, it is important that you mindfully
make them moments that strengthen and build your relationship.

We’d love to know what attachment rituals you have or create. Please consider sharing them with us by replying to this email. And happy connecting!

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When Resentment Blocks Connection

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By Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

We’re human. We have feelings. Our feelings get hurt. When our hurt goes underground it turns into resentment. Because resentment is soft, sensitive, vulnerable feelings turned hard from being left unhealed and locked inside. This hardness becomes a protection, a protection that blocks connection because connection is soft and sensitive and vulnerable.

This buildup of hurt easily happens in our close relationships as we can easily misstep, be aware or not attending to loving openly, after all we’re busy and life is demanding, and relational care and connection does take time and learning and growing together. When our feelings get hurt and need attention, we can miss the opportunity to repair and strengthen our understanding and loving feelings. Perhaps it doesn’t occur to us to let our partner know we’re hurt or we try but don’t know how to communicate that hurt in a way that calls for their compassionate response or our partner doesn’t know how to come close emotionally when we’re hurting and rather they meet us with problem solving or minimizing. Then we’re left alone with the hurt and it can start to harden. This hard protective shell shows up as defensive anger or frustration towards our partner which keeps us and them away from the hurt. Distance increases.

When resentment is between you and your partner, here are some things you can do that can begin to help restore closeness.

The first step is to recognize the resentment as a signal about the unresolved hurt. When you feel the wall of resentment, recognize it is a signal that the hurt inside is close by and needs care. The wall of resentment or protective anger is like our internal security system’s alarm signaling the need for attention.

Then we need to stop fueling resentment. When we can recognize the resentment as a signal, we can begin to acknowledge the hurt that’s deeper inside. We need to use the signal to guide us to the hurt. Danger. Hurt is here. Acknowledging the hurt exists will stop fueling resentment.

Finally, we can apply attention, care and compassion. The hurt under resentment needs attention, care and compassion to heal. The doses of care and compassion need to be as big as the hurt. We can naturally heal and regain connection as we apply attention, care and compassion to those old hurts.

​​When resentment blocks connection let the resentment guide you to the underlying hurt, with attention, care and compassion even very old and deep hurts will heal. We all need attention to our hurt. Hurt does heal as connection is restored with attention care and compassion. And, we are healthier and happier when we’re emotionally connected to our life partner.

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Becoming a Certified BLC Facilitator

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Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen and Dr. Debi Gilmore, Co-Founders of Building A Lasting Connection®

We are so excited to witness the growth of Building A Lasting Connection® (BLC), and the new-found momentum we are experiencing across the world. More and more couples are being introduced to our Lasting Connection® program and we have experienced an increased interest in individuals and couples wanting to become trained BLC Facilitators. Our online training program has been a tremendous success and the feedback has been astoundingly positive.

Our online training is a high-quality program that involves dynamic lectures, multi-media presentations, interactive experiential exercises, discussions, and breakout groups. Participants are immersed in 20 hours of research-based training that is designed to mentor participants on how to use the materials & tools to be prepared to provide interactive exercises and engagement when facilitating the workshop. Participants are introduced to presentation skills and techniques based on experiential learning theory, to enhance their ability to capture and engage couples within the workshop experience. Upon completing the training, participants are equipped to facilitate Lasting Connection® workshops.

We also periodically conduct in-person trainings, and recently one of our most active trained BLC Facilitators became certified as a BLC Facilitator Trainer. Hamed Fatahian has facilitated multiple trainings and workshops, and recently we invited him to share some of his experience in this newsletter. The following is Hamed’s overview of his experiences since becoming a BLC Facilitator Trainer:

“I’m delighted to announce that we successfully finished the second BLC facilitator training in Iran this week with the presence of almost 20 therapists from all around Iran. It has been a long journey for me since early 2020 when I went to St. George to participate in the 1st BLC facilitator training held by Rebecca and Debi but despite all the limitations (especially the pandemic), with the huge support of Rebecca and Debi, I’m honored to say that we now have almost 60 BLC trained facilitators in more than 10 cities in Iran. Also, we have had three BLC workshops in Iran so far (two online and one in-person in the city of Mashhad, northeast Iran which was held by one of the trained facilitators named Dr. Zahra Talebi) and there will be the first in-person BLC workshop in the capital (Tehran) in about three weeks by myself during my upcoming trip to Iran.
This all could have not happened without the support of the BLC team, especially Debi & Rebecca. As we all know, connection heals so when we are connected, we can make big changes even worldwide.”
-Hamed Fatahian, AMFT, APCC

 

We hope you will consider training to become a Certified BLC Facilitator. Please visit our homepage to learn more about how to become a part of our BLC organization.

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Build More Happiness In Your Relationship: Some Little Things You Can Do That Can Accumulate

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Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen and Dr. Debi Gilmore, Co-Founders of Building A Lasting Connection®

“Whether a marriage will be happy or whether it is headed for the divorce court can be foretold from how things go during its first two years,” says the results of studies by Dr. Ted Huston.

Early warning signs of trouble include:

  • A Turbulant Courtship

  • Lots of tears and high drama

  • Declined affection in the first two years

  • A wife that’s falling “out of love.”

If you have these symptoms in your relationship – it’s probably not too late to turn things around. With the right support and efforts, couples “fall back in love” and stabilize their relationships regularly, even after big relationship hurts.

Consider the position you take in your relationship – do you emotionally support, engage and share? If not, if you criticize, defend or distance, you can contribute to the health, closeness and love in your relationship.

We all need openness and closeness. We have to take risks to share tenderly with our partner and nurture our relationship with kindness and warmth. Try doing more of these things:

  • look for the positive
  • tell your partner something you appreciate every day (no “but”‘s or “if-only”‘s allowed)
  • provide an emotionally safe climate for your partner to share (soft voice, kind tone, understanding and open heart)

  • put yourself in your partner’s shoes – have compassion for his/her stresses, and

  • do an act of service for your partner every day

If you have trouble doing any of these things after two weeks of conscious effort, then it may be time to get additional support. The Lasting Connection® Workshop and the Connection System® are ideal to provide help to couples for these kinds of issues. The sooner you get relationship help, the easier and faster you can be creating your life dreams together and enjoy the “in love” feeling. And, as we all know, being in love is a wonderful place to be!