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Love Isn’t About You

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Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

Photo by Anastazja Kuroczycka on Unsplash

Love is a feeling that changes us and, in many ways, can even alter our view of the world. Love begins inside of us but can die if it is not acknowledged, shared, cultivated, and nurtured. Love may begin as a spark of interest, and then grow and mature to an all-encompassing urgency to act on it. For some, it takes courage to acknowledge and own the feeling and then do something about it. However, when love remains only inside of us, and is not shared, it will begin as an ache, and then slowly die away. No, love isn’t about you. . .it is about sharing, connecting, showing respect, kindness, and compassion for someone else.

When we fall in love, we might be caught in a whirlwind of emotions, and the shifts and rollercoaster rides can be disconcerting. For some it can be frightening. For some it is rewarding, exciting, and worthy of exploration. Love causes us to begin to care more about the person for whom we feel the affection. Some describe the feeling of love as a compelling desire to protect and care for the well-being of someone else. We tend to want to spend more time with the person we love, and maybe even feel better about ourselves when we are with them when the love is reciprocated.

The challenge is to maintain the power and intensity that comes with the budding of love. We don’t fall out of love, but instead we forget to nourish and cultivate the feeling through reaching outside of ourselves and into the world of our loved one. Love doesn’t die, it is lost and slips into oblivion if we do not tend to the feeling and offer it to someone else. It is similar to a gardener tending to his beloved roses. The gardener has specific tasks at intervals of times and seasons that encourages the bush and blossoms to thrive and bloom into glorious colors, velvet petals, and precious fragrance. All this is a result of the gardener’s loving kindness, nurturing, and attention to the needs of the rose bush.

What have you done today that sends an affirmation of love to your sweetheart? What could you do today that would remind your partner of how much you value them? No, love isn’t about you, it is a feeling inside of you that must be revealed and shared in order to grow, expand, and become stronger. With that sharing, cultivating, and growth, the love you develop will serve to shield the relationship from withering away, and will empower you and your loved one as you navigate the adversities and storms of life.

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Rituals to Foster Love and Connection

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Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD SEFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

Threats to our relationship security can be introduced in a number of ways: disagreements,
differences and misunderstandings we haven’t learned to navigate yet. We need to buffer those
potential threats by building security through regular contact that provides threat prevention as well
as buffers us for stressful times.

This is where rituals of connection come in. Rituals of connection are moments of predictable and
regularly repeated meaningful contact that nourish, soothe and reassure each other that we matter.

You probably already have some of these important rituals built in to your relationship that cushion
you against stress and sustain your relationship, such as a date night or having a daily check-in.

Relationship science lets us know that connecting rituals are especially powerful at attachment
significant moments. Here are three attachment significant events you can start with to develop some powerful attachment rituals to safeguard and build your relationship. Times of:

Parting,
Reuniting,
Tension.

Some examples of simple rituals are saying hello and goodbye, good morning and goodnight, and
taking a deep breath and your partner’s hand when tension arises.

While it will take some conscious effort, especially to begin with, you can get a lasting love reward
when you create connection rituals around these 3 types of regular relationship events.

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

Here’s how some couples have implemented attachment rituals:

  • At the end of every day, no matter the hour or the mood at the time, William and Amelia’s
    last words to anyone in the world are to each other, “good night, I love you.”
  • Brooklyn and Aiden say “Hello Amour” to start each text message and end the convo with a thumbs up acknowledgement.
  • Jamie and Amos say “hot topic” when a discussion (or imagined discussion) starts to
    become tense for either of them. Then they each take a deep breath together and hold
    hands to work on keeping the tension from increasing.

Take a few minutes together and plan, or review, some attachment rituals for your relationship. You can focus on creating these building and buffering moments during times of tension as well as
partings and reunions such as hello’s and goodbyes, good morning’s and good night’s. Since these are moments that happen regularly in every romantic relationship, it is important that you mindfully
make them moments that strengthen and build your relationship.

We’d love to know what attachment rituals you have or create. Please consider sharing them with us by replying to this email. And happy connecting!

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Love, Believe, Do, and Live Today

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Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT CEFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

At the close of a new year we often find ourselves reflecting on our regrets of what was, and worrying about the unknowns of what is coming. Many people get caught in the “New Year Resolution” exercise of I should, I would, I need to, I must, and all the other shaming absolutes and “commitments-to-self” that end up causing us to feel discouraged and convinced we will never be enough. A study conducted by researchers at the University of Scranton found that 23% of people quit their resolution after just one week, and only 19% of individuals are able to stick to their goals long term (two years in the case of this study).

Consider the following wise counsel of Dalai Lama:

“There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called Yesterday and the other is called Tomorrow. Today is the right day to Love, Believe, Do and mostly Live.”

Imagine giving yourself permission to let go of the regret for all your yesterdays of mistakes and imperfections and let go of the focus on your worries and concerns of tomorrow. Imagine for a moment, choosing to be present with yourself and those in your life that matter most to you. Choose to be present, right now… in this moment. Just as Dalai Lama suggested, your greatest power of influence on your own well-being and future success is in this present moment.

What can you do right now, that will influence your tomorrow, and maybe influence someone else’s tomorrow? What can you tell yourself right now that will lift your spirits and serve as a reminder of your worth? The following are some simple suggestions for you to consider:

  1. Seek out a loved one and look into their eyes while you express gratitude for their presence in your life.
  2. Ponder on something you do well, such as cooking, writing, painting, sports, etc. Think about why that activity brings you so much fulfillment. Consider spending some time completing a project that has been waiting for your attention… right now.
  3. If you have a beloved dog or cat, sit with them and stroke their fur while pondering on all the moments of joy and comfort they have offered you through the months and years.
  4. Call a friend and tell them why they are so important to you.
  5. When you sit down for a meal, savor every… single… bite of food. Pay close attention to the taste, smell, and sensation you experience as you nourish your body and soul with food.

As you immerse yourself in the present moments of now, and anticipate a fresh new year, don’t forget to love, believe, do, and live today.

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When Resentment Blocks Connection

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By Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

We’re human. We have feelings. Our feelings get hurt. When our hurt goes underground it turns into resentment. Because resentment is soft, sensitive, vulnerable feelings turned hard from being left unhealed and locked inside. This hardness becomes a protection, a protection that blocks connection because connection is soft and sensitive and vulnerable.

This buildup of hurt easily happens in our close relationships as we can easily misstep, be aware or not attending to loving openly, after all we’re busy and life is demanding, and relational care and connection does take time and learning and growing together. When our feelings get hurt and need attention, we can miss the opportunity to repair and strengthen our understanding and loving feelings. Perhaps it doesn’t occur to us to let our partner know we’re hurt or we try but don’t know how to communicate that hurt in a way that calls for their compassionate response or our partner doesn’t know how to come close emotionally when we’re hurting and rather they meet us with problem solving or minimizing. Then we’re left alone with the hurt and it can start to harden. This hard protective shell shows up as defensive anger or frustration towards our partner which keeps us and them away from the hurt. Distance increases.

When resentment is between you and your partner, here are some things you can do that can begin to help restore closeness.

The first step is to recognize the resentment as a signal about the unresolved hurt. When you feel the wall of resentment, recognize it is a signal that the hurt inside is close by and needs care. The wall of resentment or protective anger is like our internal security system’s alarm signaling the need for attention.

Then we need to stop fueling resentment. When we can recognize the resentment as a signal, we can begin to acknowledge the hurt that’s deeper inside. We need to use the signal to guide us to the hurt. Danger. Hurt is here. Acknowledging the hurt exists will stop fueling resentment.

Finally, we can apply attention, care and compassion. The hurt under resentment needs attention, care and compassion to heal. The doses of care and compassion need to be as big as the hurt. We can naturally heal and regain connection as we apply attention, care and compassion to those old hurts.

​​When resentment blocks connection let the resentment guide you to the underlying hurt, with attention, care and compassion even very old and deep hurts will heal. We all need attention to our hurt. Hurt does heal as connection is restored with attention care and compassion. And, we are healthier and happier when we’re emotionally connected to our life partner.

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Build More Happiness In Your Relationship: Some Little Things You Can Do That Can Accumulate

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Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen and Dr. Debi Gilmore, Co-Founders of Building A Lasting Connection®

“Whether a marriage will be happy or whether it is headed for the divorce court can be foretold from how things go during its first two years,” says the results of studies by Dr. Ted Huston.

Early warning signs of trouble include:

  • A Turbulant Courtship

  • Lots of tears and high drama

  • Declined affection in the first two years

  • A wife that’s falling “out of love.”

If you have these symptoms in your relationship – it’s probably not too late to turn things around. With the right support and efforts, couples “fall back in love” and stabilize their relationships regularly, even after big relationship hurts.

Consider the position you take in your relationship – do you emotionally support, engage and share? If not, if you criticize, defend or distance, you can contribute to the health, closeness and love in your relationship.

We all need openness and closeness. We have to take risks to share tenderly with our partner and nurture our relationship with kindness and warmth. Try doing more of these things:

  • look for the positive
  • tell your partner something you appreciate every day (no “but”‘s or “if-only”‘s allowed)
  • provide an emotionally safe climate for your partner to share (soft voice, kind tone, understanding and open heart)

  • put yourself in your partner’s shoes – have compassion for his/her stresses, and

  • do an act of service for your partner every day

If you have trouble doing any of these things after two weeks of conscious effort, then it may be time to get additional support. The Lasting Connection® Workshop and the Connection System® are ideal to provide help to couples for these kinds of issues. The sooner you get relationship help, the easier and faster you can be creating your life dreams together and enjoy the “in love” feeling. And, as we all know, being in love is a wonderful place to be!

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Caring Behaviors Nourish the Marriage

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by Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT CEFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

Imagine coming home after a very difficult, long, and discouraging day on the job. When you walk in, your partner notices you have arrived, puts down whatever they were doing, and walks over to offer you a lingering hug of welcome. It is likely you would feel a sense of reassurance, love, acceptance, and an overall sense that everything is going to be ok. You feel this sense of peace and reassurance because of what we call “caring behaviors.”

 

Section 5 of our Lasting Connection® Workshop teaches the importance of creating and practicing couple rituals that consistently reinforce the loving bond between committed partners. These are things couples create and do together that become anchors in their day or week; rituals that solidify the sense of belonging and love shared between the couple.

 

Caring behaviors can be spontaneous small and simple acts of affection and kindness… gestures of affection and admiration, that go beyond the daily couple rituals. They convey powerful messages that strengthen and nourish a marital relationship. As couples go about their busy days and demanding lives there is a danger that these caring behaviors might slowly slip away. When the caring behaviors no longer happen, couples begin to feel disconnected, lonely, insecure, and distant from each other. It is because these caring behaviors are so simple and seemingly insignificant that we tend to forget how important they really are. Caring behaviors require thoughtful, planned, and intentional steps of connection and affection.

What are caring behaviors? What kinds of things can spouses do for each other to build and maintain secure attachment?

 

Spontaneous touches such as reaching for your partner’s hand, a wink of an eye, or a brief smile when you catch your partner’s glance are sweet investments in the security of your partner. Other examples include offering positive affirmations on a regular basis, saying “I love you” instead of “love ya!” When not together, caring gestures can include texting in the middle of the day to show your partner you are thinking about them. When obstacles get in the way, texting or calling when you know you will be late sends a strong message that your partner matters, and that commitments are important to you. A powerful caring gesture could be complimenting your partner to someone else or talking positively about them in their presence. 

 

In your Lasting Connection® Workshops, teach your couples this concept of Caring Behaviors, and encourage them to be creative, spontaneous, and innovative. If caring behaviors have been missing in your own relationship with your spouse, take some time to consider some small gestures you can add to your daily investment in the security of your partner. Even more impactful is asking your partner what caring behaviors they long for, and then seek ways to implement those in your daily rituals of connecting as a couple. Notice how quickly the relationship changes, your connection deepens, and your own feelings of fulfillment increase.