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Managing Differences

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Kintsugi—The Japanese Art of Repair

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Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT CEFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

Recently, my husband and I visited a local shop we love because of their unique inventory. The storefront features many kinds of items, crafted by artists, sculptors, weavers, and many other media. They have hundreds of pots of all shapes and sizes which are not only unique in shape, but unique in their composition of clay and paint used to bring the piece to its final state. The store also features woolen rugs, hand tied by families from villages throughout Latin America. This art of weaving is passed down from generation to generation, and the works are exquisite.

While browsing, my husband pointed out a beautiful wooden tray, which had distinct wood grains alternating with spots that were cracked and exposed. Some of these cracks were filled with turquoise; the combination of wood and stone was just incredible. The wooden tray was polished and covered with a satiny glaze, and as I ran my fingers across its surface, it felt like glass. I was in awe of this creation, and it reminded me of the Japanese art of kintsugi. In Japanese, kin means ‘gold,’ and tsugi means ‘repair.’

This unique art takes a broken clay pot or vase and glues or bonds its pieces back into place with golden dust. The result is a creation that not only returns to its previous shape, but is even more beautiful than before. The streaks of gold framing the broken pieces elevates the bowl to a new level of value and worth.

I can’t help but see symbolism in the art of kintsugi, or the amazing wooden tray filled with streaks of turquoise. I like to compare this art form with distressed relationships, and what can happen when two broken hearts are willing to take steps required to heal. The result can be a remarkable oneness that strengthens and empowers the connection. The new bond is stronger because of what the relationship has gone through. Just as the gold dust bonds the shards of the clay pot, the reforged bond that the renewed relationship experiences is a priceless treasure.

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When Resentment Blocks Connection

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By Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

We’re human. We have feelings. Our feelings get hurt. When our hurt goes underground it turns into resentment. Because resentment is soft, sensitive, vulnerable feelings turned hard from being left unhealed and locked inside. This hardness becomes a protection, a protection that blocks connection because connection is soft and sensitive and vulnerable.

This buildup of hurt easily happens in our close relationships as we can easily misstep, be aware or not attending to loving openly, after all we’re busy and life is demanding, and relational care and connection does take time and learning and growing together. When our feelings get hurt and need attention, we can miss the opportunity to repair and strengthen our understanding and loving feelings. Perhaps it doesn’t occur to us to let our partner know we’re hurt or we try but don’t know how to communicate that hurt in a way that calls for their compassionate response or our partner doesn’t know how to come close emotionally when we’re hurting and rather they meet us with problem solving or minimizing. Then we’re left alone with the hurt and it can start to harden. This hard protective shell shows up as defensive anger or frustration towards our partner which keeps us and them away from the hurt. Distance increases.

When resentment is between you and your partner, here are some things you can do that can begin to help restore closeness.

The first step is to recognize the resentment as a signal about the unresolved hurt. When you feel the wall of resentment, recognize it is a signal that the hurt inside is close by and needs care. The wall of resentment or protective anger is like our internal security system’s alarm signaling the need for attention.

Then we need to stop fueling resentment. When we can recognize the resentment as a signal, we can begin to acknowledge the hurt that’s deeper inside. We need to use the signal to guide us to the hurt. Danger. Hurt is here. Acknowledging the hurt exists will stop fueling resentment.

Finally, we can apply attention, care and compassion. The hurt under resentment needs attention, care and compassion to heal. The doses of care and compassion need to be as big as the hurt. We can naturally heal and regain connection as we apply attention, care and compassion to those old hurts.

​​When resentment blocks connection let the resentment guide you to the underlying hurt, with attention, care and compassion even very old and deep hurts will heal. We all need attention to our hurt. Hurt does heal as connection is restored with attention care and compassion. And, we are healthier and happier when we’re emotionally connected to our life partner.

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Impact of Negative Interactional Patterns

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 Learn to communicate for connection

All couples fall into negative patterns as they interact and face the daily challenges of life including raising children, job concerns, financial issues, illness and chronic health issues. While we imagine couples in newly developing relationships experiencing joy and passion in the early states, negative interactional patterns may be recognizable in premarital couples. If not addressed early, they may become more established throughout the early stages of marriage. Emotional disconnection, communication problems and damaging marital conflict are leading factors for future marital distress and those who ultimately divorce.

Additionally, high conflict between marital partners has been shown to negatively affect children and their future relationships. Most concerning is that childhood neglect and maltreatment is associated with multiple issues such as mental, emotional, social, and physical health problems in adulthood.  These concerning results have led researchers to elevate childhood maltreatment to be a threat to public health.

Typical patterns in distressed couples are destructive arguing (attacking, blaming, hostile criticism, and contempt), that effect not only the couple, but also the family in general.  Over time, these negative interactional patterns undermine emotional safety in the couple relationship and erode love, sexual attraction and intimacy, trust, and overall couple commitment.

The Building A Lasting Connection® workshop offers powerful tools to enable couples to navigate the challenges of their committed relationship. Attendees are guided through exercises and interactional activities to help them learn how to find emotional safety and clarity in the communication process and learn how to navigate through conflict in a collaborative manner.  They learn how to incorporate a healthy view of physical intimacy and sexual relations and explore the many barriers to a healthy sexual relationship within the marital partnership.  Finally, couples and individuals learn about the importance of uncovering and integrating goals and visions of their future together and develop new couple and family rituals and traditions.  This education program for committed couples has the potential to ultimately contribute to relative long-term marital satisfaction and lessen the risk of divorce.