Menu
Cart

Communication

30694254_16718306741hPeverton-vila-AsahNlC0VhQ-unsplash

Rituals to Foster Love and Connection

, , 0

Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD SEFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

Threats to our relationship security can be introduced in a number of ways: disagreements,
differences and misunderstandings we haven’t learned to navigate yet. We need to buffer those
potential threats by building security through regular contact that provides threat prevention as well
as buffers us for stressful times.

This is where rituals of connection come in. Rituals of connection are moments of predictable and
regularly repeated meaningful contact that nourish, soothe and reassure each other that we matter.

You probably already have some of these important rituals built in to your relationship that cushion
you against stress and sustain your relationship, such as a date night or having a daily check-in.

Relationship science lets us know that connecting rituals are especially powerful at attachment
significant moments. Here are three attachment significant events you can start with to develop some powerful attachment rituals to safeguard and build your relationship. Times of:

Parting,
Reuniting,
Tension.

Some examples of simple rituals are saying hello and goodbye, good morning and goodnight, and
taking a deep breath and your partner’s hand when tension arises.

While it will take some conscious effort, especially to begin with, you can get a lasting love reward
when you create connection rituals around these 3 types of regular relationship events.

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

Here’s how some couples have implemented attachment rituals:

  • At the end of every day, no matter the hour or the mood at the time, William and Amelia’s
    last words to anyone in the world are to each other, “good night, I love you.”
  • Brooklyn and Aiden say “Hello Amour” to start each text message and end the convo with a thumbs up acknowledgement.
  • Jamie and Amos say “hot topic” when a discussion (or imagined discussion) starts to
    become tense for either of them. Then they each take a deep breath together and hold
    hands to work on keeping the tension from increasing.

Take a few minutes together and plan, or review, some attachment rituals for your relationship. You can focus on creating these building and buffering moments during times of tension as well as
partings and reunions such as hello’s and goodbyes, good morning’s and good night’s. Since these are moments that happen regularly in every romantic relationship, it is important that you mindfully
make them moments that strengthen and build your relationship.

We’d love to know what attachment rituals you have or create. Please consider sharing them with us by replying to this email. And happy connecting!

30694245_1667343445OIZUntitled_design

Kintsugi—The Japanese Art of Repair

, , 0

Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT CEFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

Recently, my husband and I visited a local shop we love because of their unique inventory. The storefront features many kinds of items, crafted by artists, sculptors, weavers, and many other media. They have hundreds of pots of all shapes and sizes which are not only unique in shape, but unique in their composition of clay and paint used to bring the piece to its final state. The store also features woolen rugs, hand tied by families from villages throughout Latin America. This art of weaving is passed down from generation to generation, and the works are exquisite.

While browsing, my husband pointed out a beautiful wooden tray, which had distinct wood grains alternating with spots that were cracked and exposed. Some of these cracks were filled with turquoise; the combination of wood and stone was just incredible. The wooden tray was polished and covered with a satiny glaze, and as I ran my fingers across its surface, it felt like glass. I was in awe of this creation, and it reminded me of the Japanese art of kintsugi. In Japanese, kin means ‘gold,’ and tsugi means ‘repair.’

This unique art takes a broken clay pot or vase and glues or bonds its pieces back into place with golden dust. The result is a creation that not only returns to its previous shape, but is even more beautiful than before. The streaks of gold framing the broken pieces elevates the bowl to a new level of value and worth.

I can’t help but see symbolism in the art of kintsugi, or the amazing wooden tray filled with streaks of turquoise. I like to compare this art form with distressed relationships, and what can happen when two broken hearts are willing to take steps required to heal. The result can be a remarkable oneness that strengthens and empowers the connection. The new bond is stronger because of what the relationship has gone through. Just as the gold dust bonds the shards of the clay pot, the reforged bond that the renewed relationship experiences is a priceless treasure.

30694240_1664940407H8cjustin-groep-SPTwFiz2U44-unsplash

When Resentment Blocks Connection

, , 0

By Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®

We’re human. We have feelings. Our feelings get hurt. When our hurt goes underground it turns into resentment. Because resentment is soft, sensitive, vulnerable feelings turned hard from being left unhealed and locked inside. This hardness becomes a protection, a protection that blocks connection because connection is soft and sensitive and vulnerable.

This buildup of hurt easily happens in our close relationships as we can easily misstep, be aware or not attending to loving openly, after all we’re busy and life is demanding, and relational care and connection does take time and learning and growing together. When our feelings get hurt and need attention, we can miss the opportunity to repair and strengthen our understanding and loving feelings. Perhaps it doesn’t occur to us to let our partner know we’re hurt or we try but don’t know how to communicate that hurt in a way that calls for their compassionate response or our partner doesn’t know how to come close emotionally when we’re hurting and rather they meet us with problem solving or minimizing. Then we’re left alone with the hurt and it can start to harden. This hard protective shell shows up as defensive anger or frustration towards our partner which keeps us and them away from the hurt. Distance increases.

When resentment is between you and your partner, here are some things you can do that can begin to help restore closeness.

The first step is to recognize the resentment as a signal about the unresolved hurt. When you feel the wall of resentment, recognize it is a signal that the hurt inside is close by and needs care. The wall of resentment or protective anger is like our internal security system’s alarm signaling the need for attention.

Then we need to stop fueling resentment. When we can recognize the resentment as a signal, we can begin to acknowledge the hurt that’s deeper inside. We need to use the signal to guide us to the hurt. Danger. Hurt is here. Acknowledging the hurt exists will stop fueling resentment.

Finally, we can apply attention, care and compassion. The hurt under resentment needs attention, care and compassion to heal. The doses of care and compassion need to be as big as the hurt. We can naturally heal and regain connection as we apply attention, care and compassion to those old hurts.

​​When resentment blocks connection let the resentment guide you to the underlying hurt, with attention, care and compassion even very old and deep hurts will heal. We all need attention to our hurt. Hurt does heal as connection is restored with attention care and compassion. And, we are healthier and happier when we’re emotionally connected to our life partner.

29751156_16594139513AOAugust_newsletter_images

Rejection-how the nervous system remembers. . .

, 0

By: Camille Pack, MA, BLCF

She couldn’t look at her husband while she spoke to him. “I told you I felt sad, and you told me, ‘it wasn’t that bad if I looked at it differently.’ Then my heart sank, so I shut up. I thought, ‘Fine, I’ll handle it alone, like I always do,’ and I changed the subject.”

Her tears spilled over. “It made it worse. I felt more alone.”

She almost hadn’t brought up the exchange. It seemed like a small example, but we know attachment wounds are born in such moments.

“Lack of support in the midst of wounding seems central to the movement from potential trauma to embedded trauma,” says Bonnie Badenoch in The Heart of Trauma: Healing the Embodied Brain in the Context of Relationships.

Left without emotional closeness many times over the years, you won’t be surprised my client was skilled at hiding her feelings.

Until this conversation, her husband was unaware of the rupture. Now, to me, he looked blindsided.

Perhaps from confusion about how the distance had ballooned between them, or distress he’d contributed to her pain, or hurt that his intentions were grossly misinterpreted, or fear that it happened outside his awareness. From this soil, a crust of anger and defensiveness seemed to flit across his face.

Later, we found out he had no idea he’d minimized and dismissed her experience—he’d withdrawn so fully and innocently in the protective perspective of the exploratory system that he couldn’t see his impact on her. He didn’t know he’d been emotionally absent long before she put up the wall.

Attachment is the study of emotional safety and the impact it has on the human nervous system.

What does a nervous system do when it has emotional safety? What does it do when it doesn’t? How does emotional safety change our views about our place in the world?

Four predictable attachment patterns give us a window into how well two brain systems are integrated: the attachment system and the exploratory system, described by Harvard psychologists Daniel P. Brown and David Elliott in Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair.

Our exploratory system prefers a state of certainty, action, and doing. As the exploratory system activates, we automatically turn down the dial on emotion. This attachment position is commonly referred to as an avoidant pattern.

The exploratory system attends to analytical details, information-gathering, and problem-solving with logical efficiency, but it removes events from their context and gets judgmental. We might metaphorically experience such coping strategies as though they dip our feelings and relationships in liquid lidocaine.

In high doses, it may leave us with a numb sense of growing despair.

We might be alerted to someone’s shift into an exploratory perspective when we feel the loss of their presence as they scroll through their phone. Perhaps we notice being assessed with judgmental eyes. Maybe we see a parent prioritizing their child’s behavior over the quality of their relationship. Maybe we notice ourselves getting brisk and task-oriented, impatient or annoyed by interruptions.

Even as you read this, you may notice how the quality of our experience has changed as I moved from a shared moment to analysis.

We need our exploratory system to make sense of our lives. We need it to support our relational values, so we can have a rich and full life. But as we shift into exploratory-dominance, as Bonnie Badenoch says, “meaning has a tendency to get lost.”

It’s difficult for us to notice and interpret body language correctly. We are more likely to misinterpret people’s intentions. We miss the hurt in our child’s averted eyes. We overlook the changes in our partner’s tone that might tell us of their unmet attachment needs.

Western culture leads with, prioritizes, and celebrates the independence of the exploratory system. It is the adaption our nervous system shelters in to turn off conscious awareness of pain when relationships have been a source of emotional rejection, as far back as infancy.

In neglectful or critical environments, if we sought emotional support and experienced rejection, such as a well-intentioned caregiver repeatedly telling us to push down our feelings, buck up, toughen up, and do it on our own, we will orient to the world through our exploratory system.

We’ll be successful, independent, and emotionally isolated—often without awareness of our isolation.

. . .

When our nervous system defaults to the exploratory view, we tend to get more rigid and isolated. But without the support of the exploratory system, our attachment system enters the chaos of pursuit. This attachment position is commonly referred to as an anxious pattern.

The fourth pattern, called disorganized, combines these approaches, alternating unpredictably and sometimes simultaneously between hyper-activation and down-regulation of the attachment system and the exploratory system.

Our sweet spot seems to balance the two with the attachment system taking the lead, knighting our exploratory system as its able emissary. This attachment position is called secure.

Co-regulating presence is the wellspring of security.

Presence. Intuitively we know it’s a gift. It is where we come to be together in the unknown. It might call to mind a space of firelight and laughter, poetry and lingering meals, blowing bubbles and softly meeting each other’s eyes as we sing. Our attachment system needs such co-regulating accompaniment to connect to our aliveness and meaning.

The perceptual world of security is present, curious, open, accepting, comfortable with ambiguity, sensitive to suffering, and quick to offer our support without expectation that someone be any different than they are.

Our attachment system prefers this state of being. As we attend to being fully present in this moment, we are wrapped in the awareness of many streams of somatic communication coming from our body, our environment, and each other.

Security is a state of mind we may easily return to when we cuddle our animals and listen to their responsive snurffle-sounds, or when we get out on a trail and into the embrace of the forest, or when our partner gently strokes our arm and whispers.

From this fountain of security, even without words, the softness in our face, our gaze, and our voice will convey messages of safety through our presence: I see you. I’m here. I treasure you. Your feelings make sense. Thank you for letting me be with you.

In our shared Zoom room, the husband looked at his feet for help. They were both standing on the Connection System®, a floor mat that’s part of the Building a Lasting Connection® Workshop. BLC structures sharing and listening to increase intimacy and strengthen secure attachment.

The Connection System® helps us release judgements and share a new moment as it unfolds in the space between.

This is where intimacy and compassion bloom.

The husband found what he was looking for and returned his gaze to his wife. “I’m really glad you’re sharing,” he said, offering his soft presence. “I want to be with you when you’re sad, and I’m glad you’re giving me another chance.”

Her eyes filled with tears of relief and warmth. She smiled.

Later, when it was his turn to share, he told us about the tightness he felt in his gut when she shut him out and the fear she wouldn’t come back. His wife cried and squeezed his hand, fully with him now. It meant so much to hear his feelings and even more to simply feel him with her because he usually kept such a tight lock on himself.

As he shared and she attuned in kind, their connection cleared away the knot in his gut and a radiating warmth filled his heart.

The flow of emotional support and deep sharing gave them a window into the secure connection they longed for.

. . .

In what feels like sacred moments, such as these, I witness what Stephen Porges says: “Safety is treatment.”

It also brings to mind memory reconsolidation research. How when we remember a trauma, the neural net where it lives activates, bringing up a felt sense of the original loss. When this activation happens gently, and we’re accompanied by a trusted-other who provides a disconfirming experience, healing may begin as that neural net weaves with other more resourced areas throughout the nervous system. Each subsequent awakening may then be accompanied by the integrating nourishment of remembered support.

“If we felt alone, we needed a sense of accompaniment,” says Bonnie Badenoch. “If we were frightened, we needed protection. If we were shamed, we needed acceptance. If we were hurt, we needed comfort. It is as though the part of us who experienced the original rupture of safety has been waiting ever since for the repair to arrive.”

I’m grateful to know the power of such arrivals, that shared presence can weave a nest of safety and belonging around our pain.

 

Camille Pack is the founder of StoryKeeper, a safe, healing community for cultivating the art and practice of secure attachment skills to increase authenticity, mindfulness, and belonging. She is a certified facilitator of The Building a Lasting Connection® Workshop developed by Rebecca Jorgensen and Debi Gilmore and offers facilitated mat work for couples on the Connection System®. Camille also offers IPF (ideal parent figure) coaching to individuals seeking to heal early attachment wounds. Learn more at officialstorykeeper.com.

public

Impact of Negative Interactional Patterns

, , 0

 Learn to communicate for connection

All couples fall into negative patterns as they interact and face the daily challenges of life including raising children, job concerns, financial issues, illness and chronic health issues. While we imagine couples in newly developing relationships experiencing joy and passion in the early states, negative interactional patterns may be recognizable in premarital couples. If not addressed early, they may become more established throughout the early stages of marriage. Emotional disconnection, communication problems and damaging marital conflict are leading factors for future marital distress and those who ultimately divorce.

Additionally, high conflict between marital partners has been shown to negatively affect children and their future relationships. Most concerning is that childhood neglect and maltreatment is associated with multiple issues such as mental, emotional, social, and physical health problems in adulthood.  These concerning results have led researchers to elevate childhood maltreatment to be a threat to public health.

Typical patterns in distressed couples are destructive arguing (attacking, blaming, hostile criticism, and contempt), that effect not only the couple, but also the family in general.  Over time, these negative interactional patterns undermine emotional safety in the couple relationship and erode love, sexual attraction and intimacy, trust, and overall couple commitment.

The Building A Lasting Connection® workshop offers powerful tools to enable couples to navigate the challenges of their committed relationship. Attendees are guided through exercises and interactional activities to help them learn how to find emotional safety and clarity in the communication process and learn how to navigate through conflict in a collaborative manner.  They learn how to incorporate a healthy view of physical intimacy and sexual relations and explore the many barriers to a healthy sexual relationship within the marital partnership.  Finally, couples and individuals learn about the importance of uncovering and integrating goals and visions of their future together and develop new couple and family rituals and traditions.  This education program for committed couples has the potential to ultimately contribute to relative long-term marital satisfaction and lessen the risk of divorce.