Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT CEFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®
What Is Oxytocin?
Oxytocin is a hormone produced in the hypothalamus but triggered by the amygdala to be released into the bloodstream from the nearby pituitary gland. Sometimes this region of the brain is referred to as the “emotion center.” Like satellites picking up a frequency signal, our bodies are primed to respond to the release of oxytocin. Oxytocin receptors are found on cells throughout the body.
Oxytocin is released when we talk to and look into the eyes of a friend with whom we feel safe, and it is released when we reach out and hug someone. Each of these sensations, emotions, and states of being are things humans need throughout our daily existence.
Oxytocin and The Power of a Hug
Scientists have examined the average length of a hug, and they found most hugs last 3 seconds or less. In many cultures, a hug is a natural and normal way to greet loved ones and long-lost friends. However, the embrace is typically a very brief form of body contact with a quick release.
Scientists have found that hugs lasting 20 seconds or more have a healing effect on the body and mind. Researchers conducted a study hoping to understand the connection between hugging and physical health. The study found that being hugged by a trusted person may act as an effective means of conveying support and that increasing the frequency of hugs might be an effective means of reducing the deleterious effects of stress.
Why are hugs so important? Hugs force us to slow down and connect, which is something many humans forget to do. A lingering hug stimulates the release of oxytocin which is a hormone released from the emotion center of the brain. We are constantly rushing from one task to another, often bypassing opportunities to briefly connect with those in our life who should be at the top of our priority list.
Oxytocin has a powerful connecting property. It collapses the distance that separates us and knits our relational experience into a more deeply connected state. If oxytocin has such powerful potential, it would be important to ask the question, “How can I utilize this amazing connecting hormone to enhance my connection with my partner?”
Science is revealing some fascinating evidence that the hormone oxytocin can buffer the stresses of life, strengthen our physical and mental health, and increase the bond in our most important relationships. Oxytocin calms our fears and promotes a felt sense of safety. It influences feelings of affection and promotes feelings of contentment. The hope is that science will continue to reveal its powerful properties and uncover ways to utilize this remarkable hormone in the promotion of strengthening relationships and cultivating overall health and well-being.
Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®
Photo by Anastazja Kuroczycka on Unsplash
Love is a feeling that changes us and, in many ways, can even alter our view of the world. Love begins inside of us but can die if it is not acknowledged, shared, cultivated, and nurtured. Love may begin as a spark of interest, and then grow and mature to an all-encompassing urgency to act on it. For some, it takes courage to acknowledge and own the feeling and then do something about it. However, when love remains only inside of us, and is not shared, it will begin as an ache, and then slowly die away. No, love isn’t about you. . .it is about sharing, connecting, showing respect, kindness, and compassion for someone else.
When we fall in love, we might be caught in a whirlwind of emotions, and the shifts and rollercoaster rides can be disconcerting. For some it can be frightening. For some it is rewarding, exciting, and worthy of exploration. Love causes us to begin to care more about the person for whom we feel the affection. Some describe the feeling of love as a compelling desire to protect and care for the well-being of someone else. We tend to want to spend more time with the person we love, and maybe even feel better about ourselves when we are with them when the love is reciprocated.
The challenge is to maintain the power and intensity that comes with the budding of love. We don’t fall out of love, but instead we forget to nourish and cultivate the feeling through reaching outside of ourselves and into the world of our loved one. Love doesn’t die, it is lost and slips into oblivion if we do not tend to the feeling and offer it to someone else. It is similar to a gardener tending to his beloved roses. The gardener has specific tasks at intervals of times and seasons that encourages the bush and blossoms to thrive and bloom into glorious colors, velvet petals, and precious fragrance. All this is a result of the gardener’s loving kindness, nurturing, and attention to the needs of the rose bush.
What have you done today that sends an affirmation of love to your sweetheart? What could you do today that would remind your partner of how much you value them? No, love isn’t about you, it is a feeling inside of you that must be revealed and shared in order to grow, expand, and become stronger. With that sharing, cultivating, and growth, the love you develop will serve to shield the relationship from withering away, and will empower you and your loved one as you navigate the adversities and storms of life.
Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT CEFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®
At the close of a new year we often find ourselves reflecting on our regrets of what was, and worrying about the unknowns of what is coming. Many people get caught in the “New Year Resolution” exercise of I should, I would, I need to, I must, and all the other shaming absolutes and “commitments-to-self” that end up causing us to feel discouraged and convinced we will never be enough. A study conducted by researchers at the University of Scranton found that 23% of people quit their resolution after just one week, and only 19% of individuals are able to stick to their goals long term (two years in the case of this study).
Consider the following wise counsel of Dalai Lama:
“There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called Yesterday and the other is called Tomorrow. Today is the right day to Love, Believe, Do and mostly Live.”
Imagine giving yourself permission to let go of the regret for all your yesterdays of mistakes and imperfections and let go of the focus on your worries and concerns of tomorrow. Imagine for a moment, choosing to be present with yourself and those in your life that matter most to you. Choose to be present, right now… in this moment. Just as Dalai Lama suggested, your greatest power of influence on your own well-being and future success is in this present moment.
What can you do right now, that will influence your tomorrow, and maybe influence someone else’s tomorrow? What can you tell yourself right now that will lift your spirits and serve as a reminder of your worth? The following are some simple suggestions for you to consider:
Seek out a loved one and look into their eyes while you express gratitude for their presence in your life.
Ponder on something you do well, such as cooking, writing, painting, sports, etc. Think about why that activity brings you so much fulfillment. Consider spending some time completing a project that has been waiting for your attention… right now.
If you have a beloved dog or cat, sit with them and stroke their fur while pondering on all the moments of joy and comfort they have offered you through the months and years.
Call a friend and tell them why they are so important to you.
When you sit down for a meal, savor every… single… bite of food. Pay close attention to the taste, smell, and sensation you experience as you nourish your body and soul with food.
As you immerse yourself in the present moments of now, and anticipate a fresh new year, don’t forget to love, believe, do, and live today.
Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT CEFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®
Recently, my husband and I visited a local shop we love because of their unique inventory. The storefront features many kinds of items, crafted by artists, sculptors, weavers, and many other media. They have hundreds of pots of all shapes and sizes which are not only unique in shape, but unique in their composition of clay and paint used to bring the piece to its final state. The store also features woolen rugs, hand tied by families from villages throughout Latin America. This art of weaving is passed down from generation to generation, and the works are exquisite.
While browsing, my husband pointed out a beautiful wooden tray, which had distinct wood grains alternating with spots that were cracked and exposed. Some of these cracks were filled with turquoise; the combination of wood and stone was just incredible. The wooden tray was polished and covered with a satiny glaze, and as I ran my fingers across its surface, it felt like glass. I was in awe of this creation, and it reminded me of the Japanese art of kintsugi. In Japanese, kin means ‘gold,’ and tsugi means ‘repair.’
This unique art takes a broken clay pot or vase and glues or bonds its pieces back into place with golden dust. The result is a creation that not only returns to its previous shape, but is even more beautiful than before. The streaks of gold framing the broken pieces elevates the bowl to a new level of value and worth.
I can’t help but see symbolism in the art of kintsugi, or the amazing wooden tray filled with streaks of turquoise. I like to compare this art form with distressed relationships, and what can happen when two broken hearts are willing to take steps required to heal. The result can be a remarkable oneness that strengthens and empowers the connection. The new bond is stronger because of what the relationship has gone through. Just as the gold dust bonds the shards of the clay pot, the reforged bond that the renewed relationship experiences is a priceless treasure.
by Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT CEFT, Co-Founder of Building A Lasting Connection®
Imagine coming home after a very difficult, long, and discouraging day on the job. When you walk in, your partner notices you have arrived, puts down whatever they were doing, and walks over to offer you a lingering hug of welcome. It is likely you would feel a sense of reassurance, love, acceptance, and an overall sense that everything is going to be ok. You feel this sense of peace and reassurance because of what we call “caring behaviors.”
Section 5 of our Lasting Connection® Workshop teaches the importance of creating and practicing couple rituals that consistently reinforce the loving bond between committed partners. These are things couples create and do together that become anchors in their day or week; rituals that solidify the sense of belonging and love shared between the couple.
Caring behaviors can be spontaneous small and simple acts of affection and kindness… gestures of affection and admiration, that go beyond the daily couple rituals. They convey powerful messages that strengthen and nourish a marital relationship. As couples go about their busy days and demanding lives there is a danger that these caring behaviors might slowly slip away. When the caring behaviors no longer happen, couples begin to feel disconnected, lonely, insecure, and distant from each other. It is because these caring behaviors are so simple and seemingly insignificant that we tend to forget how important they really are. Caring behaviors require thoughtful, planned, and intentional steps of connection and affection.
What are caring behaviors? What kinds of things can spouses do for each other to build and maintain secure attachment?
Spontaneous touches such as reaching for your partner’s hand, a wink of an eye, or a brief smile when you catch your partner’s glance are sweet investments in the security of your partner. Other examples include offering positive affirmations on a regular basis, saying “I love you” instead of “love ya!” When not together, caring gestures can include texting in the middle of the day to show your partner you are thinking about them. When obstacles get in the way, texting or calling when you know you will be late sends a strong message that your partner matters, and that commitments are important to you. A powerful caring gesture could be complimenting your partner to someone else or talking positively about them in their presence.
In your Lasting Connection® Workshops, teach your couples this concept of Caring Behaviors, and encourage them to be creative, spontaneous, and innovative. If caring behaviors have been missing in your own relationship with your spouse, take some time to consider some small gestures you can add to your daily investment in the security of your partner. Even more impactful is asking your partner what caring behaviors they long for, and then seek ways to implement those in your daily rituals of connecting as a couple. Notice how quickly the relationship changes, your connection deepens, and your own feelings of fulfillment increase.
What does self-worth have to do with marriage and our relationships with others? Important studies have examined the connection between self-worth and our ability to form healthy and stable relationships. The strength and depth of our connection with others is determined by two conditions: (1) The level of self-acceptance each person has for themselves; and (2) How open, honest, and vulnerable each individual is willing to be with their partner.
This has everything to do with how we see ourselves, or how comfortable we are with ourselves, which then determines how comfortable we are in reaching out, being vulnerable with, and connecting on a deeper level with others. Our critical view of ourselves can and does become a barrier to healthy and fulfilling relationships with self and others.
We all possess an inner critic or “critical inner voice.” We experience this “voice” as a negative internal commentary on who we are and how we behave. Our view of ourselves impacts our view of others, and directly impedes our ability to trust and bond with others on a deeper level. Unfortunately, this negative internal dialogue blocks us from connecting with ourselves because the painful emotions at times are just too much to bear. We may cope in damaging ways, such as working harder, exercising more, emotional eating, drugs, alcohol, and other methods of distraction from our emotional pain and disconnection from others.
Common inner critical messages include: “I’m ugly.” “I’m so stupid.” “I’m fat.” “There’s something wrong with me.” “I will never measure up.”
Step 1: Identify Your Inner Critic Using a sheet of paper, divide the page into 3 equal columns. Label the 1st column, “Inner Critic.” Label the middle column, “Doubting Self,” and label the 3rd column, “Deeper, Wiser Self.”
One way to help you become more aware of your critical inner voice is to write these thoughts down. Under the column labeled “Inner Critic,” write the specific thoughts that automatically come at times when you are self-critical. As you record the negative statements and messages about you, notice how those statements make you feel. Notice how harsh, attacking, and hostile this internal enemy can be. Continue to fill out the column with as many statements as possible.
As you try to identify what your critical inner voice is telling you, begin to recognize that these harsh, attacking, and painful messages are robbing you of peace and happiness and blinding you from your Deeper, Wiser Self. Begin to acknowledge that this thought process is separate from your Deeper, Wiser Self. Remember that your critical inner voice is not a reflection of reality. It is a viewpoint you adopted based on painful or destructive early life experiences and attitudes directed toward you, or traumatic and challenging experiences that interrupted your healthy view of self. Over time, you have internalized the negative messages as your truth, and your Deeper, Wiser Self has been overshadowed and suppressed by the painful negative commentary of your inner critical voice.
Step 2: Doubting Self
In the middle column, you will write: “Yup!” and leave the entire column blank other than this statement of agreement. This suggests that the Doubting Self has no voice, and only agrees with the Inner Critic voice. This also reinforces the power of these two “selves” as two inner voices against your Deeper, Wiser Self. The feeling of being “outnumbered” by the two negative selves causes us to feel weakened, powerless, and robbed of self-confidence.
Step 3: Deeper, Wiser Self
In the 3rd column you labeled “Deeper, Wiser Self,” write down statements about your true self. What do you know about you? What does your sweetheart or other people say about you that makes you feel good about yourself? What are some things that you know you do well, but you may be reluctant to acknowledge openly? Use first person statements such as, “I am a kind person,” or “I love to serve others.” Another example would be “I am a loyal friend.” As you write the statements you might feel awkward or even embarrassed to acknowledge and write down these statements, however, this is likely due to the fact that your Inner Critic voice has become so dominant and has caused you to discount your true gifts as a human being.
To further expand on this exercise, begin to respond to your inner critic by writing down a more realistic and compassionate evaluation of yourself. Write these responses in the first person (as “I” statements). In response to a thought like, “I’m such an idiot,” you could write, “I may struggle at times, but I am smart and competent in many ways.” This exercise isn’t meant to build you up or boost your ego but to show a kinder, more honest attitude toward yourself.
Step 4: Your Inner Critic’s Lease Is Up—Time to Evict the Negative Message!!
Your Inner Critic took up residence long ago… it is now time to evict that internal dialogue and refuse to allow any credibility, value, or attention to be given to that message. This process takes power away from the Inner Critic voice and negative messages, and allows your Deeper, Wiser Self to emerge and take back power.
Step 5: Don’t Act on Your Inner Critic
Because the Inner Critic voice has become so familiar, you will be tempted to act on that voice. When you hear that negative voice, fact the voice with the following formula:
1. STOP!! 2. Slow down… 3. Evaluate the message—does the message empower my deeper, wiser self, or does the message make me feel sad, worthless, hopeless?
Remember not to act on the directives of your inner critic. Take actions that represent your own point of view, who you want to be and what you aim to achieve. Your critical inner voice may get louder, telling you to stay in line or not to take chances. That is a very natural reaction to the suggestion for change. Over time, your Deeper, Wiser Self will emerge with more power, more confidence, and will be easier and easier to retain.
Summary:
This Inner Critic exercise can be a very difficult process, and at times you will be tempted to give credence to the negative messages of your Inner Critic because that voice has become so familiar to you. Sometimes it is helpful to share this process with your partner or a trusted friend. Let them know you are embarking on a difficult journey of healing, and that you need their help to remind you of who you really are. The process of identifying, separating from, and acting against this destructive thought process, will empower you, and you will grow stronger, while your inner critic grows weaker and eventually slips into relative silence. Most importantly, this process will enhance your ability to connect and bond on a deeper level with your partner, with dear friends, and will enhance your most important relationships.
All couples fall into negative patterns as they interact and face the daily challenges of life including raising children, job concerns, financial issues, illness and chronic health issues. While we imagine couples in newly developing relationships experiencing joy and passion in the early states, negative interactional patterns may be recognizable in premarital couples. If not addressed early, they may become more established throughout the early stages of marriage. Emotional disconnection, communication problems and damaging marital conflict are leading factors for future marital distress and those who ultimately divorce.
Additionally, high conflict between marital partners has been shown to negatively affect children and their future relationships. Most concerning is that childhood neglect and maltreatment is associated with multiple issues such as mental, emotional, social, and physical health problems in adulthood. These concerning results have led researchers to elevate childhood maltreatment to be a threat to public health.
Typical patterns in distressed couples are destructive arguing (attacking, blaming, hostile criticism, and contempt), that effect not only the couple, but also the family in general. Over time, these negative interactional patterns undermine emotional safety in the couple relationship and erode love, sexual attraction and intimacy, trust, and overall couple commitment.
The Building A Lasting Connection® workshop offers powerful tools to enable couples to navigate the challenges of their committed relationship. Attendees are guided through exercises and interactional activities to help them learn how to find emotional safety and clarity in the communication process and learn how to navigate through conflict in a collaborative manner. They learn how to incorporate a healthy view of physical intimacy and sexual relations and explore the many barriers to a healthy sexual relationship within the marital partnership. Finally, couples and individuals learn about the importance of uncovering and integrating goals and visions of their future together and develop new couple and family rituals and traditions. This education program for committed couples has the potential to ultimately contribute to relative long-term marital satisfaction and lessen the risk of divorce.
Of particular concern is the prevalence of divorce among married and committed couples, and studies show that as many as 50% of couples marrying for the first time ultimately divorce. Relationship education has been identified as a preventative tool to assist couples in navigating through the challenges of marriage, however there are relatively few comprehensive programs currently available. Programs targeted toward newly committed couples have been shown to be generally effective in predicting immediate, short-term improvement, but these programs focus primarily on behavioral skills such as couple communication as opposed to adult attachment style.
The Building A Lasting Connection® workshop is a relationship education program with a focus on the foundational principles of attachment with the added benefits of experiential learning. The workshop teaches the importance of adult attachment and the essential role of attachment and safe emotional connection to sustain relationship development and health among committed couples.
One of the most essential aspects of this attachment-based experiential program is to facilitate and build on the initial bonding process through a deeper understanding of attachment, the importance of authenticity and emotional connection and increased recognition of how unrepaired miscommunications can lead to lack of emotional safety resulting in the creation of emotional distance or heightened conflict, and to enhance the couples’ ability to achieve greater relationship satisfaction across their years of marriage.
